Career obsessed . . . aged 10

February 25, 2016

• Advice for Parents
• / Topical
• / University and Higher Education

from The Sunday Times

Pushy parents’ young children are losing the ability to enjoy life as they fret over their CVs and are career obsessed, a preparatory school head tells Sian Griffiths

Children are under such pressure from aspirational parents to do well in life that they are brooding about how their achievements will look on a CV from as young as 10, the head of a leading preparatory school has warned.

Gerard Silverlock, headmaster at King’s College Junior School in London, also says mental health problems such as “a great level of anxiety” are appearing among six-year-olds who have been tutored to pass entrance tests for elite schools such as his.

“We are seeing the attitudes of this parental body, which itself is successful and highly aspirational and hardworking, translating to the attitude of the youngsters,”says Silverlock.

“It is understandable that parents want to see their youngsters achieve the same kind of success they have achieved. They become worried and all the pressures in terms of exam performance, so crucial to university success and to careers, are appearing at younger and younger ages.

“I wasn’t thinking about my career when I was 10 or 11. These youngsters are aware of their careers at that age. It is very easy for them to become overly concerned and for parents to be overly concerned by exam performance.”

Silverlock has organised a conference this spring— thought to be the first in the preparatory school sector to tackle these issues — to discuss ways of building children’s resilience so that they can cope with the pressures they face.

The comedian Ruby Wax, who has suffered from depression, and Paul Gilbert, professor of psychology at Derby University and author of The Compassionate Mind, are among the speakers booked to appear at the conference, entitled Caring to Achieve.

“What we are seeing is a great level of anxiety even among children aged six or seven and a propensity for self-criticism,” says Silverlock.

“Young children are saying ‘I am not good enough’ because they can see others doing better. They measure themselves against those who are obviously succeeding and see themselves as underperforming, letting themselves down and letting their parents down.”

At King’s College Junior School children have mindfulness workshops, where they are taught techniques that help them focus on the present rather than worrying about the future. Silverlock is also interested in trialling Gilbert’s work on compassion. This is a topic that is close to our hearts and we organised an Art Fair last year in aid of Young Minds charity.

“Instead of children being very self-critical and having a very competitive mindset, it teaches them to be kinder to themselves,”says Silverlock.

He adds that his fellow head teachers have observed children “who become obsessive about trying to succeed in one particular area so that they can achieve status in their parents’ eyes.

“That idea that you have to be in the A team in a sport so that you can put it on your CV, that is beginning to filter down to younger ages. Seven-year-olds may not think about it in terms of CVs but their parents are,” he says.

“Head teachers tell me that the most common email they get is from parents saying their child should be in a higher-level sports team. In my view, what parents should be saying is: ‘You are doing this for fun. Whether you are in team A, B or C is irrelevant.”

Julie Johnson, a psychotherapist who works with pupils at 10 schools including King’s College, says: “In the last five years I have noticed a rise in the number of pupils being referred to me by both parents and schools.” Even the youngest ones, aged six, are “often anxious about doing well”.

She adds: “They say things like, ‘If you don’t do well, you are not going to make it.’ ” Sleep and behavioural problems are also on the increase.

When Johnson said to one pupil, “The only mistakes you make in life are the ones you don’t learn from,” he went quiet and eventually responded: “Mistakes are not allowed in life. Making a mistake is a waste of time. You have got to get it right.”

According to Johnson, parents dent their children’s confidence by making remarks such as: “Where did the B come from?” Instead, they should “celebrate results across the board”. In her workshops she asks pupils to circle words on a sheet indicating areas they want help with. “Recently 50% of three groups of children circled sleep, anxiety and stress,” she says. “I am beginning to see schools as a pressure-cooker environment.”

The warnings come after the head of another leading prep school said that competition for places at top fee-paying schools had reached intense levels.

Thousands of children are taking exams this month for entry to both prep and senior schools in September, with some sitting multiple tests at several schools.

Prudence Lynch, head of Kensington Prep, in west London, said some parents “almost explode” from stress, adding: “The pressure is beyond boiling point now.”

At King’s College Junior School, 240 seven-year-olds will sit tests for 56 places. Some will have been tutored for the tests from the age of six. Is this nation turning into one that is career obsessed?

“Many of the parents will be of the mindset that if their children do not get into a top prep school, there will be problems for them in the future. That is clearly not the case,” says Silverlock. “Parents need to keep a sense of perspective.”

Figures suggest the mental health of young people is getting worse. According to the NHS, there were 28,730 hospital admissions for self-harm in England among those aged 10-19 in 2013-14, compared with 22,978 the year before. Click here to hear to find out about the event that we organised for our tutors to talk about how children can cope with stress.